50 Ways on Facebook

Sheila Key and I have joined the swelling ranks of midlifers doing social media and have made a Facebook fan page for our book, 50 Ways to Leave Your 40s. If you're on Facebook, please come visit our page and become a fan. If you're not on Facebook, where are you? In a cave?

Be there.

:)

The Facebook page title is the same as the book title.

Book Event at Blue Moon Books in Crested Butte

Here are some pics from the reading and signing event at Blue Moon Books in Crested Butte last Saturday. It was a nice, intimate gathering. This is the sandwich board out front. Can you make out where it says "Tonight Only!" I love that. As if authors normally do nightly appearances for a month or something. Anyway, it made me feel special.





Here's David, the owner and proprieter of Blue Moon Books. See how he cleared off the back wall to display our book? Nice, eh? He also hopped on his town bike (everyone rides everywhere in "CB" as the locals call Crested Butte) and rode up to the liquor store to come back with wine and a 6 pack of............drum roll please...........Blue Moon Beer! He was very hospitable. Thank you David!



And here we all are - the intimate gathering of which I spoke. Five guests made it a close and casual event. That's me in the middle in purple. Some of the others are locals, some were visiting from other parts of the state. I talked a bit and read a bit and we had some nice conversation about aging and other life topics.



Thanks again to Blue Moon Books! I highly recommend this cozy shop if you're ever in the area.

Book Event Tomorrow

Tomorrow at 5pm I'll be doing an author event for 50 Ways to Leave Your 40s in Crested Butte. The picture above is the Crested Butte City Hall. Probably just like it looked a hundred years ago (plus a new coat of paint).



This is a shot of Blue Moon Books from across the street. I tell you, all the buildings in Crested Butte are like this. Colorado Quaint. Isn't it great?




If you look very closely, you can see a poster for 50 Ways on the door of Blue Moon Books, just above the political action sign. I'll post more after the event. Fingers crossed for some attendance!

Blog on Over to 50 Ways!

Just in case anyone comes to visit here, you should know that any free blog time I've had has gone to our book blog. Please come visit there!

50 Ways to Leave Your 40s Blog

Endorsements for 50/40

Dear Friends,

The book is going to the printer this Friday! We are very excited. Meanwhile, our wonderful publisher has collected some awesome endorsements for us. Check them out:


"Good, juicy, inspiring words and ways to live as a gloriously aging soul."
--- SARK author and artist of Fabulous Friendship Festival



What a treasure trove! 50 Ways To Leave Your Forties is a joyful, irreverent (and at the same time, very reverent) enthusiastic, and incredibly informative book. The authors present their suggestions for zestful and meaningful living in wonderfully inviting ways. I loved it!

--Sue Patton Thoele, author of Freedoms After 50, The Courage To Be Yourself, and The Mindful Woman


"So far, the statistics are convincing: everyone ages. How we age, however, is largely a choice. In 50 WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR 40s, Sheila Key and Dr. Peggy Spencer serve up a delectable recipe for healthy aging that is both delicious and joyful."

--Larry Dossey, MD, author of The Extraordinary Healing Power of Ordinary Things

Dipping into this treasure trove of a book makes me want to go back in time so I can leave my 40s again. 50 WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR 40s offers so many creative ideas, so much thoughtful information and is so darn much fun, I’m sure I’d do it more gracefully, heathfully, and happily the second time. Congratulations and thanks to Sheila Key and Peggy Spencer for giving all of us a life-affirming map to follow no matter what our age.

-- Judy Reeves, author of A Writer’s Book of Days

“Sheila Key and Peggy Spencer know that a new decade of life is the beginning,
not the end, of something great. With generous helpings of wisdom and wit, 50Ways to Leave Your 40s is a recipe for joy during what comes next.”

— David Niven, PhD, author of The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People and The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life

The Book is Done!

Finally, at long last! The infamous book is finished and on its way to the printer in a matter of days. The cover is what you see here. Publication date is mid-March 2008. Watch this space for more information and links. Post your email or snail mail address here if you want a notice when the book is available, or email me at pspencer@unm.edu. It has been a long and educational road, a lot of fun, and boy am I glad it is over! I know you'll love this book.

Sex in Midlife

You Still Got it Baby!

Remember when we were 18 and tried to imagine people over 40 having sex? We couldn’t, right? No way those old farts could still get it on! And who’d want ‘em even if they could? Now, look at us. We are those old farts. And we’re still “doing it.” Or are we? Does sex change in midlife? Does it get better or worse? Does it even happen? Or is laundry day the only time we shake the sheets?

It turns out there is no simple answer. Midlifers are all over the sexual map. More sex, less sex, higher drive, lower drive, new partner, old partner, no partner…it’s all there. The only thing that is constant across the board is change. Our priorities are changing, our relationships are changing, and none of us experience sex and sexuality the same way we did when we were twenty-something.

For one thing, we don’t have the bods we used to have, and that takes some getting used to. Youth defines sexuality, or so the ad execs would have you believe, and one thing we ain’t is young. The mortal flesh is settling; we’re not the Gumbies of yore. But you and I know that, beneath the wrinkles and the graying hair, we are just as sexy as we used to be. Probably sexier, given a half-life of experience under our belts (so to speak).

This is not to deny the very real physical and hormonal effects of aging. Drying tissues and waning libidos are common. Don’t let that rain on your parade. Gals, pick up your favorite personal moisturizer and guys, isn’t it a bit of a relief to have your gonads out of the driver’s seat? If not, or if you need more help, please do see your doctor.

My advice is this: Treasure your sexual self. Be open to change. Communicate with your partner. And seek help if you need it.

Hakomi Therapy - Mind, Body, Heart

“How do you stand in relation to these many realms?” This is the literal translation of the Hopi word Hakomi, the name adopted by Ron Kurtz for a psychotherapy technique developed by him and his staff in 1980. A more modern translation might be “Who are you?” The Hakomi Method is an efficient and powerful process for discovering and then studying mind/body patterns and core beliefs as you experience them (www.hakomiinstitute.com).

Hakomi is a unique form psychotherapy that honors the interconnectedness of body, mind and heart. Drawing on concepts and techniques from Buddhism to Neurolinguistic Programming, and based on the precept that we all have innate wisdom and goodness, Hakomi provides a nonjudgemental and nourishing environment for exploring the self at a natural pace. The basic structure of Hakomi is 1) the establishment of a client-therapist relationship that allows the client to feel safe to honestly and fully explore their own experience, 2) careful observation of present life experiences, including body awareness, in a way that leads to the discovery of core material, and 3) willing modification and healing of core material to enhance growth and wholeness.

The following passage from the Hakomi Institute website describes the essential concept of core material. Core material is composed of memories, images, beliefs, neural patterns, and deeply held emotional dispositions. This material shapes the styles, habits, behaviors, perceptions, physical postures and attitudes which define us as individuals. Our responses to the major themes of life--safety, belonging, support, power, freedom, responsibility, appreciation, sexuality, spirituality, etc.—are all organized by our core material.

Some of this core material is helpful to us. Some, the result of difficult experience or trauma, limits our access to the person we want to be. Hakomi is a gentle yet profoundly powerful way to transform and heal. Visit the Hakomi Institute website (www.hakomiinstitute.com) to find a Hakomi therapist near you.

Update on "the book"

Earlier this year I was invited to help with a book called 50 Ways to Leave Your 40s. It has been a lot of fun, an education, a trip with many twists and turns. Our original deadline was December 1st. However, s&*t happens, and the timeline has changed. Due to health problems in my coauthor's family, the book has been put on a back burner for the time being. We're now looking at a March 1st deadline or possibly even Fall of '07. The publisher is being very understanding.

So don't hold your breath or rush out to the bookstores just yet!

I'll keep you posted.

Writer's Contest Result

I won!

Pardon me for just blurting it out, but I couldn't help myself. I actually won first place in the Southwest Writer's Annual contest, in the category of nonficton essay!

Wow!

I am thrilled to the bone. Someone besides my family and friends thinks I can write well!

I could hardly believe it. But there it is, in print.

My first writing competition. I'm very happy.

I Placed in a Writer's Contest!

I'm so excited!

Last April I entered a writing contest that Southwest Writers has every year. I just joined them last winter, as a way to connect with other writers and wannabe's like me. Long story short, they called me on Friday and told me I placed first, second or third in the Short Nonfiction category!! They had 19 categories and over 500 entrants total. I'm thrilled! I won't find out until the awards banquet in September what place I actually won, but who cares? Top three! Yippee!

The piece I entered was one I've posted here, but I'm going to post it again, partly cuz I want to celebrate, and partly cuz I've learned a few things about punctuation since then, so I fixed it.

A Discharge by Any Other Name

4/3/06

Last week on NPR I heard Eve Ensler reading her essay on the "This I Believe" segment of Morning Edition. Ensler is the author and playwright of The Vagina Monologues . In her essay, called "The Power and Mystery of Naming Things," she said:

"Think about the word 'vagina'. I believe that by saying it 128 times each show, night after night, naming my shame, exorcising my secrets, revealing my longing, was how I came back into my self, into my body."

Vagina. Vagina vagina vagina vagina.

When I was a girl, I didn't know the names of my private parts. I don't think we even called them "private parts.” It was all vaguely referred to as "down there.” Until the day one of my elementary school classmates, who had an older sister versed in These Things, informed us knowingly that the word was "vovey.” So we called it "vovey,” when we called it anything, when we dared to even speak about it, which was never, and only in a whisper, and only to each other, of course. One bold day, a friend and I revealed to each other that our "voveys" produced a secretion, which we gigglingly dubbed "vovey goo.”

Twenty years later, I was a licensed physician with my own little girl. I knew the human body inside and out, and I was damned if my daughter was going to grow up without words for all of her body parts. I taught that kid "vulva" before I taught her "elbow.” I wanted her to be proud of her body, to be comfortable with all of it. Naming was the first step.

I knew that I had succeeded beyond my wildest dreams when she once shocked a Texas church potluck by standing in the middle of the room, pointing at each grey-hair in turn, and correctly identifying their gender by announcing, "YOU have a penis. YOU have a vulva." She was three years old.

The first semester of medical school, we learned anatomy, in the lecture hall and in the dissection lab. It was presented in an orderly fashion, head to toe. Where there were gender differences, the male anatomy was always presented first, followed by "the female version of this is..." Sure, it bothered me, but it fit in with the sexism that pervaded medical education.

When we got to the genitals, we learned the male anatomy first, as usual. I was amazed at the quantity of labels on the drawings, the number of named parts men have. Corpus cavernosum. Corpus spongiosum. Root. Bulb. Crus. Shaft. Corona. Prepuce. Glans. Four different named segments of urethra. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. I took notes dutifully.

Next slide. Female anatomy. Far fewer labels. Much briefer rundown by the teacher. As he prepared to switch slides, I raised my naive hand. "Excuse me. What are the names of those muscles?" I pointed to the striated bands surrounding the vagina at varying angles.

The professor looked confused. "What muscles?"

I showed him again.

"Oh. Those...uh, that....that's Vaginal Wall." Click. Next slide.

Now, wait a minute. I'm a woman, and half of my readers are probably women. Ladies, you know that is not just one big muscle there, and it's not only useful for "holding your bladder" either. I was shocked that there weren't at least three different muscle groups in the vagina. Come on! The male urethra, a single tube, has four different named segments. But one single catch-all label for the mysteries of a woman's depths? Puh-lease!

That was a long time ago, now, and I've (clearly) gotten over it. But that morning, hearing Eve Ensler, it all came back to me again, and got me thinking some more about this male/female naming discrepancy. I remembered "vovey goo" and contemplated the fact that there still isn't an official medical term for vaginal secretions. I'm not talking about slang. There's plenty of that, from "smegma" (sounds like Gollum's sister) to "honey" (nice, but not unique). I mean an unambiguous, descriptive, neutral word of its own. Like "semen.” That's a word that can't be mistaken for anything else. It has only one meaning, as far as I know. It's only a noun, and calls up a distinctive mental picture. Nobody gets confused about what you're talking about when you say "semen."

But what is the "female version" of "semen"? The closest I can come up with is "discharge." But this does not meet the criteria of specificity that "semen" does. No, "discharge" is a word that can be a noun or a verb, can apply to a vagina, a retiring serviceman, or a firing cannon. Not only that, I was taught in medical school that a vaginal discharge is abnormal. Part of the Patient Interview is called the Review of Systems. When you do this, you verbally list the body systems, asking if there are any abnormal symptoms in each (headache, double vision, vomiting blood, etc.). One of the questions is, "Do you have any vaginal discharge?" This is usually asked while shaking one's head and frowning slightly, subliminally communicating the right answer to the patient. Oh, no, ma'am. No vaginal discharge. Yuck, no!

Whereas in truth, feminine secretions are as normal as tears or saliva, or mucus.

I submit that we need a new word. A unique word for the entirely normal, benign, useful secretions that are produced in the vagina. What shall it be? We could call it "vuliva" (vuh-lye-vuh) or "vugucus" (vuh-joo-kus) , echoes of its cousins at the "other end." We could even stoop to "vovey goo,” although that doesn't sound quite neutral to me. Or, come to think of it, we could have several words. The stuff changes, you know, throughout a woman's monthly cycle and lifetime. The eskimos have their myriad words for "snow.” The male urethra has four separate words for one little tubule. Why shouldn't there be a different word for each variety of hormonally-influenced natural feminine product?

The devil is in the details. I can't think of a good word. I just know we need one. I'm open to suggestions. Once we get a good one, we can submit it to the American Board of New Anatomical Terminology, or wherever one submits these things. Then all we'll need is for Eve Ensler to say it 128 times a night for six years, and voila! Equal time in the anatomy lectures, and a new addition to the church potluck repertoire.

Calling Again

This is an addendum to the Call for Stories post. If any of you followed the link to the book blog, you found a lo-o-o-ng list of chapters and summaries. In case that was as overwhelming to you as it is to me (!), here are some suggested ideas. If you have anything to share about any of this, please leave a comment here or email me at pspencer@unm.edu.

We’re seeking true stories from people in midlife, for possible inclusion in our book. What kind of stories? See our 50 suggested themes below. Don’t just tell us what happened; TELL US HOW THE EXPERIENCE CHANGED YOU, as well as any advice you may have for people facing similar situations! Stories should be as brief as possible (and we reserve the right to edit as needed for length and clarity). Don’t worry if it’s well-written; just tell the story in your own words. For more complete information about our book's contents, see the series of posts titled "Call for Stories."

Email your input to pspencer@unm.edu. Please include your real name, your (real!) age, and the first name (real or not) that you’d like us to use for you in our book and/or blog. DEADLINE: August 31, 2006 (though sooner is definitely better!)

Fifty Suggested Story Ideas (feel free to think up your own)

1. The Classic Midlife Crisis (whatever that means to you)
2. Near-death experience
3. Mentoring a young person (on the job or Big Brother/Big Sister)
4. “I’m a foster parent"
5. Caring for elderly parents
6. “I became a parent for the first time in midlife”
7. Hypnosis or self-hypnosis for lifestyle change
8. "I got Rolfed!"
9. first-hand experience with the Alexander Method
10. Confronting addiction
11. Junk-food junkie no more!
12. “I lost the weight and kept it off”
13. Reducing dependence on Rx meds through diet, exercise, and/or other natural means
14. Loving your body after disfiguring accident or surgery
15. “I ‘feng-shui’ed my home! (garden, work place, whatever)”
16. “How journaling changed my life”
17. FINANCIAL PLANNER! Help!! What’s your advice for the midlifer who never got around to saving for retirement (yet)??
18. Radical change in your belief system
19. "I truly believe that stranger was an Angel, right here on earth!"
20. "Group meditation can change the world -- I've seen it happen!"
21. Lucid dreaming
22. Solving waking-life problems while you sleep
23. Hey Sailor! Tell us what it really means to "go with the flow."
24. Healing trauma -- even years later
25. Chanting and/or drumming for better wellbeing
26. Howling at the moon
27. How do you feed your Muse?
28. Got a totem animal? How'd you meet? Then what happened?
29. "I was the proverbial 'Little Engine Who Could'!"
30. Road Trip! The long strange trip that changed your life.
31. Adventures in colonics!
32. What would you pack in your Midlife Survival Kit?
33. There are worse things in life than getting a hearing aid.
34. Lasik surgery or first pair of bifocals?
35. Pushing the envelope.
36. Are you a Native American who can tell us about the Seventh Generation concept?
37. "I screwed up my courage and made the call!"
38. Life after divorce.
39. PAR-TAY! Tell us of a big 5-0 celebration for the record books.
40. The gift of my heart attack.
41. Postcards from Nirvana (the serious pursuit of enlightenment or the peak pleasure experience, your choice)
42. Are you a "wild and crazy guy" (still crazy after all these years)?
43. "I am so past caring about keeping up with the Joneses!"
44. New romance in midlife
45. Confessions of a misanthrope: or "How I learned to love the entire human race"
46. Riders on the storm: surviving mental illness
47. There've been WAY too many funerals lately!
48. So what do you want on your gravestone?
49. Forsaking food and sleep: the masterpiece that came through you
50."I love to laugh....it's getting worse every year!"

Call for Stories

Some of you know of my great good fortune in having been invited to help write a book this Spring. I lucked into it, and am still pinching myself! It's going to be an exciting book. It's called 50 Ways to Leave Your 40's and, as you might guess, it's about midlife.

I'm writing today to make you an offer you can't refuse - a chance to see YOUR stories in print! Please see the Call for Stories below.

Call for Stories!
For more information, email pspencer@unm.edu

50 Ways to Leave Your 40s: What to Do When Midlife Crisis Is Not Enough – Sheila Key and Peg Spencer, M.D., co-authors of a book-in-progress, are seeking a broad range of “lived experience” stories to flesh out their funny, soulful collection of essays, stories and informative sidebars, for people in midlife. To be published by New World Library in Fall 2007, this gift/personal-growth book has a mission of inspiring readers to live healthier, more meaningful lives in their “second half.” Please see the chapter lists posted (by section) at http://50waystoleaveyour40s.blogspot.com or email me at pspencer@unm.edu for more information. Please keep your anecdotes as brief as possible and focused on experiences from midlife. Please include your name and age, plus the “name” you’d like us to use in publication. Also welcome: your favorite movies, music, books, pop-cultural references, jokes, one-liners, quotations, websites, and anything else that bears a relationship to any of the chapter concepts. New deadline: 8/31/06. Thank you!

P.S. Just tell us your experience. It doesn't have to be poetic, perfect or even grammatically correct. We'll fix it.

P.P.S. For a great midlife story, please see Kim's post at Scared to Health. Thanks, Kim, for offering us your words and wisdom!

Writer's Workshop - Showing, not Telling

Today I went to a real writing workshop. Hey, if I'm going to do this, might as well get some instruction from a Real Writer, right? It was done by Chris Eboch, a published author of numerous products including children's books. Her goal was to help us become better "show-ers" as we write descriptions, action, emotion, everything. For the writers out there, here were some of her tips.

1. Showing uses data from the five senses. Telling uses interpretive data. (e.g. showing = "his face was flaming red" and telling = "he was angry")
2. Be specific in your nouns and adjectives for better description. (e.g. "he was built like a linebacker" instead of "he was big")
3. Make your similes and metaphors as original as possible. One technique is to relate your metaphor to your story. (e.g. if food figures large in your story, use food metaphors - "his skin was like a lemon peel")
4. For intense action scenes, slow down the writing, draw it out moment by moment to increase the tension. Using short paragraphs can give a sense of speed while you're doing this.
5. For each detail you're considering using in your writing, ask yourself:

• Does it make the story more believable?
• Does it help readers picture or understand a character or place better?
• Does it answer questions that readers might want answered?
• Does it distract from the action?
• Could it be removed without confusing readers or weakening the story?

If the answers are yes, yes, yes, no and no, you have a good detail.


She had us do a number of quick writing exercises, where she'd give us a task and we had three minutes to write, then we'd share and comment. This was tough! Good practice, though. For your entertainment, here are a couple samples.

Instruction: Write about an alcohol beverage from the point of view of an alcoholic.

Peg's effort: "Congratulations!" they all yelled as the cork exploded out of the bottle. Angus alone was silent, transfixed by the bubbling cascade that foamed golden over Marty's wrist and puddled on the tablecloth. He moved closer, his nostrils flaring as he inhaled the call of liquid magic. Closer, and he unconsciously reached a finger out to caress the dampened linen. Closer, and finally he thrust his glass into the stream.

Instruction: Write about the same beverage from the point of view of someone who drank too much of it the night before.

Peg's effort: "Ohhh. Turn off the light!" moaned Shirley, rolling away from the window. "Eeyew- shit!" Her voice was louder now as she sat up suddenly, wiping old vomit off her cheek. "Oww, my head!"

Jack regarded this episode with a smirk. Rising from his stool, he grabbed a half-empty bottle of champagne from the coffee table and waved it under Shirley's face. "Here! Hair of the dog!"

Shirley paled, lurched, and vomited afresh.